At 27 weeks pregnant, I think I have made enough changes to clear up my mood a bit. A few weeks ago, and for many weeks prior to that, I was feeling pretty low. I just could not keep up with my life and all of my intentions. I had created a huge amount of internal pressure to achieve so much and just was not meeting my own standards. I think I’ve had a big turn around on this.
At this point in time, with approximately 3 months before this baby’s due date, I’ve pretty much let go of any priorities that are not related to the baby, exercising for the upcoming birth, or preparing psychologically for the upcoming birth. I gave my notice on my cello lessons a week ago, and actually skipped class on Saturday. I just couldn’t do it; practicing that morning had been frustrating and I don’t want to force myself to do anything I don’t want to do anymore. I had been running around all morning playing catch up on housework, and then got some pretty bad gas pains in my abdomen. I had to lay down for at least an hour to move that around and by the time the pain had gone away, my energy was zapped. It was movies, food and resting for the rest of that day.
In my household, we have a fairly traditional break down of family responsibilities. This means I handle the majority of the housework: laundry, vacuuming, cleaning the kitchen, the usual, and a woman’s work is never done. I typically leave the big grocery shopping to my husband, as I often felt it overwhelming. He has a very demanding job, is on his feet 8-12 hours a day on a construction site, out in the elements, and then has a 3-4 hour commute every day. He also gets up at 3:00 am in the morning, so I usually don’t see him and we can’t even sleep in the same room! Needless to say, he is exhausted by the time he is home and our “quality time” together is typically focused on him laying on the couch asking to have his head scratched or feet massaged, while we argue over the TV remote.
So another big change is that I have been accompanying him when he does go out shopping or running errands. I usually consider how we operate as “divide and conquer” but that leaves us even more just doing our own thing, and then meeting when we are too tired to really pay attention to each other. My interest in cooking, like many other things, has waned over the pregnancy, so even our family dinners previously 3-4 times a week, have dissipated. I have to say that I have really enjoyed this interaction with him and it’s really improved how I view our marriage, even if he is still tired most of the time.
Somehow, the combination spending more time with my husband, letting go of my old priorities and embracing the new ones, exercising even more, and making further medical preparations for the birth, has all really eased my mind and my moods are much more stable. I had permission to go up on my medication and did for two days, but then forgot to take the pills at night and was already feeling better. I would have continued on the “higher dose” path if I felt it was warranted, but am happy that I have felt better more naturally. I have had clear hormonal emotions and I can recognize those. And I feel utterly blessed that my anxiety has dropped substantially and I am back to “I can handle whatever happens,” while simultaneously not expecting the worst.
I have been treated in the last few days to some very big, visible movements in my belly. When laying down, the baby tends to kick much more. She is now big enough that I can see very localized kicks and even watched her flip over and over. It is even more like the movie “Alien” than before! So that has been a very special experience. All in all, I have been feeling good and the little things left to finish the nursery are getting done, the icing on the cake sorts of things like hanging pictures. I like feeling good and hope to continue on this path as I reach the third trimester next week!